Uncomfortably Aware January 22, 2022

It’s been 3 months since our string of tragedies began. But the longer time goes on, the longer I realize we were actually living a horror story for years.

October 31, 2021 and the week that followed brought on acute trauma to our entire family after my son was beaten right in front of the dogs, my daughter and myself. 5 days later the trauma extended when my daughter was admitted to the hospital for a week. There is no greater feeling of powerlessness than not being able to stop pain or abuse with your children. Witnessing my children go through such trauma is likely to cause PTSD and / or other long-term reactions I may not see coming.

I’d love to say that I’ve handled everything like a Pro. I’d love to say that after 3 months I’ve arrived back to the person I once was. But that simply isn’t the case.

It seems the longer time goes on, the harder things get. More and more truths continue to unveil themselves. More and more aftermaths bubble to the surface. And as life continues to move on while I am still trying to pick up the pieces, I have more and more of a desire to become Comfortably Numb.

I love that song, Comfortably Numb, by Pink Floyd. It’s so melodic and calming. The song itself mirrors exactly what the lyrics deliver; “Come on now. I hear you’re feeling down, well I can ease your pain. Get you on your feet again. Relax. I’ll need some information first. Just the basic facts, can you show me where it hurts?”

If ever there existed a song that acted as a drug that could take away the pain, this one would be it.

But there is not a song or a drug or a drink that can take away the pain. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that. So what does one do to take away the pain?

I am committed to honesty through this journey because it is my mission to be an advocate to end domestic violence. But in order to be an advocate I must share the messy truth.

And messy it is. Month 1 was a blur that I only got through with an Army of Angels who helped me throw a fistful of Glitter in the Air. Month 2 was extremely difficult as reality started sinking in and I realized that Everything Will Change. Month 1 was a fog. Month 2 was a haze. As for Month 3? Well, that’s been a real humdinger.

Did you know that 75% of people turn to alcohol when faced with trauma? 75%! The number increases when trauma produces PTSD. Statistics show that 85%+ people who experience PTSD use alcohol to numb the pain. Isn’t it astounding that the majority of people turn to a literal poison that produces self-administered oppression, to get some kind of relief from the pain?

I learned the truths about alcohol a long time ago. I’ve known since my early 20s that it is a toxic substance. Does that mean I’ve always abstained? No. I’ve had times of not drinking at all, to times of drinking too much. The thing is, once you know the truth about something, you can’t unknow it.

But as much as you know the truth about something, it can still be alluring when you are desperate for something, for anything, to numb the pain.

So maybe you get in an environment where you don’t have to drive, you have no responsibilities of kids and that poison being served in fancy glasses with its lies of laughter and smiles is circling around you and summoning the pain you are feeling to succumb to the illusion? Would you partake to get a brief reprieve from the pain? Would you even think twice?

I can tell you what the result would be if you did. “Uncomfortably Numb.” There is not an amount of poison that can fix the trauma. The pain is there beneath the substance and actually stronger when reality returns.

And so it my vow to you, my readers, my friends and myself – that I will walk this untraveled road with a completely clear and sober mind. I choose to be Uncomfortably Aware as opposed to Uncomfortably Numb.I choose to feel every ounce of pain, to battle every nightmare, to walk through every panic attack and to wipe the tears after every cry, without falsely curating my persona by means of the lies distributed in a bottle or pill.

I will be the messy version of myself until I become the best version of myself.

Consider Month 3 messy as hell. Let’s see what Month 4 brings……