Real and Unconditional
A dear friend of mine, someone who I connect with at a soul level, told me to keep writing….every thought, every emotion. Well, I’m not sure if can get everything down as these thoughts and emotions run deep, but I do find it therapeutic to journal the journey.
I’m not the one with cancer. It’s something that should feel like a relief, yet it’s quite the contrary. I feel guilty at times for the toll it’s taking on me. This is my husband – he needs the love and support, yet I feel like a walking lunatic many days. Plain and simple, it’s unconditional love. Like my children, he is a part of me. He owns a large portion of my heart and soul. I have that longing to do anything to help and comfort him through this process, yet I am helpless. Prayers, pleads, bargains – all the stuff you never imagine yourself doing as an adult with the ONE in charge, they are real. Always wanting and trying to control things has finally proven to be pointless. I have zero control and no choice in any of this. There it is, that darn lesson that has been hitting me over the head ever since I can remember.
Any time I have taken my husband for granted in the past 11 years is now a regret. Sometimes it takes something big to realize how much you really have. Those little external things that tend to rile me up just don’t have the same power anymore. Nothing holds the same importance as my family. Mama Bear here has two kids trying to make sense of all this too. Mama knows that this experience has changed us all forever. The power now is in gratitude, hope and faith.
And boy have people surprised me. The love and support have been surreal. True colors are blinding. I am in tears every time I get a message from someone just checking on us – offering unconditional support. And then there are the jerks- they are real too, but you know what? They have their own crap. Lord knows I can be a jerk too. We humans have the tendency to get stuck in our own mud and forget that our brothers and sisters are often in four wheel drive themselves.
As much as I would like for the world to pause so we can just take this all in, it doesn’t. Responsibilities are real as ever, but so is the strength we have been blessed with. At the age of 43, I finally feel like a real grown up, experiencing the real world, thankfully surrounded by real, unconditional love.