How Are You?
If you really want to know, not great. “How are you” – it’s such an every day question. One that typically comes with the same response, “Good, how are you?” If you know me, you know I’m a pretty straight shooter and certainly not one who goes for small talk. But most are still seemingly surprised when I give my honest answer of, “Not great” or “I’m falling apart at the seams.” In fact, most seem to not know how to respond. We are so conditioned to our rote conversations that anything outside of “good” seems to be a foreign language.
It’s the middle of the day on a Wednesday and I have a mile long list of things I should be doing including “taking time for me” – as I have repeatedly been instructed to do by my true blue’s. So here I am, writing away my thoughts and feelings in hopes of some reprieve.
Brien’s surgery is Monday….5 days from now. Logically, it will all be ok. He will go in, they will put him under, remove his prostate and the cancer along with it. He will wake up, take some time to heal and we will have our rock of the household back, cancer free. This is the scenario my logical brain follows. But once my heart starts getting involved, the scenario changes.. You see, on the human side of things, we have a situation that has changed everything. Anytime you throw the big C into the mix,, emotions run high. Medical needs change, relationships change and let’s face it, the entire dynamic that “was, no longer “is”. All of the “What If’s” play out like rapid fire constantly. My heart literally breaks on a daily basis at the sheer thought of the fear my husband must be experiencing right now. Every move we make to “prepare” feels like a game of Russian roulette.
In the midst, we have a business to run and it happens to be a highly involved one that doesn’t allow us to pause (think deadlines). The kids started school today – my boy’s last year before high school and I felt like a cloud hovered over this day that would have made me emotional in and of itself.
I try not to hide my cloud, which is why I’m honest when people ask me how I’m doing. It’s been months since I’ve said, “Good, how are you?” Yet, I feel somewhat guilty answering truthfully. Every time I do, I seem to get that “deer in the headlight look”. I can practically read their minds; “Oh crap, what do I say, what do I do?”
How do I know what they’re thinking? I’ve been on the other end. I’ve been on the other side of someone struggling and it IS uncomfortable. That feeling of wanting to help, wanting to say the right thing but just drawing a blank. It doesn’t feel good to be on that side of things either.
So for everyone who I’ve recently encountered – you simply asking, smiling, hugging, joking or being kind – it’s enough, and it’s appreciated.
My very closest friends keep telling me, “don’t be afraid to ask” so here is my request:
- Positive thoughts and energy
- Prayers for strength and healing
- Compassion & understanding
- Love & kindness
If everyone who reads this shares these 4 things- even from afar, I am confident we will have all we need to get through this experience. And for my besties who are holding my hand every step of the way, you have no idea how much I appreciate and love you.
Thanks for loving us. We love you back.