Archive for May, 2017
A dear friend of mine, someone who I connect with at a soul level, told me to keep writing….every thought, every emotion. Well, I’m not sure if can get everything down as these thoughts and emotions run deep, but I do find it therapeutic to journal the journey.
I’m not the one with cancer. It’s something that should feel like a relief, yet it’s quite the contrary. I feel guilty at times for the toll it’s taking on me. This is my husband – he needs the love and support, yet I feel like a walking lunatic many days. Plain and simple, it’s unconditional love. Like my children, he is a part of me. He owns a large portion of my heart and soul. I have that longing to do anything to help and comfort him through this process, yet I am helpless. Prayers, pleads, bargains – all the stuff you never imagine yourself doing as an adult with the ONE in charge, they are real. Always wanting and trying to control things has finally proven to be pointless. I have zero control and no choice in any of this. There it is, that darn lesson that has been hitting me over the head ever since I can remember.
Any time I have taken my husband for granted in the past 11 years is now a regret. Sometimes it takes something big to realize how much you really have. Those little external things that tend to rile me up just don’t have the same power anymore. Nothing holds the same importance as my family. Mama Bear here has two kids trying to make sense of all this too. Mama knows that this experience has changed us all forever. The power now is in gratitude, hope and faith.
And boy have people surprised me. The love and support have been surreal. True colors are blinding. I am in tears every time I get a message from someone just checking on us – offering unconditional support. And then there are the jerks- they are real too, but you know what? They have their own crap. Lord knows I can be a jerk too. We humans have the tendency to get stuck in our own mud and forget that our brothers and sisters are often in four wheel drive themselves.
As much as I would like for the world to pause so we can just take this all in, it doesn’t. Responsibilities are real as ever, but so is the strength we have been blessed with. At the age of 43, I finally feel like a real grown up, experiencing the real world, thankfully surrounded by real, unconditional love.
Two weeks ago we heard the dreaded words, “It’s prostate cancer.” Over the last 14 days we continued the waiting game that had already been going on for what felt like an eternity.
It started with elevated PSA levels in January. After my incessant nagging and finally a call from the matriarch, Judy (yes, I pulled out the big guns and “told on” Brien to his Mom), Brien scheduled the Free PSA test. There was a 2 week waiting period for those results. A level of 7, prompted the scheduling of a biopsy – which was yet another 2 week waiting period. Brien had the biopsy and you guessed it, we had to wait another 2 weeks for the results. On May 1, we learned of the prostate cancer.
So here we are, two weeks later again. Today’s appointment was to learn what the scans showed….did the cancer spread or was it contained to the prostate?
We are beyond blessed to learn it has not spread. Although there is a good amount of cancer in the prostate, it is localized to this gland and can be removed.
And so, another waiting period begins. This time we wait for the scheduling of surgery. Although today’s results left us in another whirlwind of emotions, I know one thing….my husband has a positive prognosis or as the doctor put it, “the results are favorable.” As usual, my mind goes to the big picture of things – but this time it goes to envisioning him walking our daughter down the aisle, giving our son parenting tips, and holding my hand for many, many years to come.
We are blessed. #Transcend Cancer
There is no room for hate….period. Hate is destructive, hate is a cancer in and of itself. Hate is a word we don’t even allow our kids to use in the home. Hate is contempt of the heart.
I know that I write this in the early stages of Brien’s diagnosis, but we have decided to welcome this journey as a way to transcend. This is not something we are looking to fight because when you fight you have a 50/50 chance to either win or loose. If we are open to growth, we never loose. A dear friend of mine and owner of New Direction Coaching, Linda McCarthy reminded me that everything that comes into our lives, comes to serve us. Everything we are faced with is an opportunity to expand our soul.
So do I have moments of anger about cancer? Absolutely! But I can be angry without hate. Brien and I have made a decision that we would rather Transcend Cancer, than fight cancer. We are not going to win or loose, we are going to grow. Will you join us in our journey to Transcend Cancer?
Huge thank you to Bill Windish at Gecko Grafix for the awesome logo.
I write this in blog format because I figure if you take the time to click on and read the blog, we are likely close enough for this to matter. Some have asked, “Why this way? I was shocked you shared via a blog.” Here’s my answer to that….there are so many out there who I know care and who I know will join us in prayer. I simply don’t have the energy to call or text every person I know who will join us on this journey. I believe in the power of positive, collective energy as well as prayer – so anyone taking this journey with us with those intentions is welcome and appreciated.
We know Brien has cancer. We know the doctor feels 99% confident that it has not spread. Brien is having the scans and tests to confirm that. If the doctor is right (and I believe he is), this cancer can be cured.
We are holding on to that and we are loving and supporting Brien every step of the way.
Thank you for all the kind comments on my previous blog. Thank you for the array of love and support on the FB post. Thank you for the private messages, texts and phone calls. Thank you for all of the advice. Thank you to my amazing neighbor for marching over here with a homemade banana bread, giving me a hug and letting me cry. Thank you for walking with us and not judging us for our method of communicating or handling this.
We feel your love and support. Brien is ridiculously strong right now. I know he will #TrasnscendCancer.
In this journey of life everything can change in an instant.
One minute you can be fretting about the most insignificant stuff like if the kids cleaned their rooms and the next minute be hit with life-changing news.
Today we found out that my husband has prostate cancer. Right now, the only thing that matters is him and our family.
My husband is the bravest, strongest person I know and would never ask for anything from anybody. And so in this moment where I don’t know if I’m going or coming, I find myself doing something I’m not comfortable doing either and that is asking you for something. I ask you, whoever is reading this, for support, love and prayers. From the bottom of our hearts, we thank you.